Cullen Family Chaos
by TertiaryRaiths
Summary: The whole mess was started by the usual suspects. Response to a challenge from TheCryzinglyInsne1. Rated T for mild swearing.


**This is a challenge issued by TheCryzinglyInsne1 on the Twilight Junkies forum. If you don't like it, take it up with her, and...if you flame I'll sic eReid-Dracula-pire on you. XD**

**The specific requirements for this particular fic were:**

**_"Bella/Jacob, honey, bread rolls, checkers, Hi Ho Cherrio, paint, Jasper and... Emmett!!_**

**_another rated T cause of some french... and it has to come out backwards from the order i put it in!"_**

**Tall order, Bubbles, tall order.**

* * *

The whole mess was started by the usual suspects- Jasper and Emmett.

Apparently, Jasper and Emmett got into a fight. Smashed in a couple of walls, crushed the TV, broke the downstairs giant window-and crushed Esme's antique dining table.

Esme had gotten angrier than I had ever seen her. "Why can't you get along!?" she shrieked. "You DESTROYED my house AND my table!!" She was half in tears as she slapped Emmett in the chest, hard.

Carlisle had emerged from his office as Emmett and Jasper started to protest.

"Boys," he said sharply from the top of the stairs, and their mouths snapped shut.

Carlisle was down the stairs in a flash, his arm around Esme. "Darling," he said soothingly, "Let me."

Esme had nodded.

"Both of you will clean and repair the house and replace what you've broken," Carlisle said.

Emmett and Jasper had smirked, relieved to get off so easily, until Carlisle said the fatal words, "AT HUMAN SPEED."

Instantly they were babbling protests.

For the first time since I'd met him, Carlisle raised his voice.

"OR," he half-shouted. "I COULD LOSE MY DAMN TEMPER WITH THE BOTH OF YOU!!"

Just as shocked as I was, their mouths clicked shut again.

Renesmee, standing beside me, burst into applause. "Way to go, Carlisle!" she cheered.

My ever-so-dignified father-in-law turned, bowed, and proceeded grandly upstairs with Esme.

Alice and I were showing Renesmee how to use makeup-not that she would ever need it.

Alice was very good at correcting my blunders.

"Push your lips out," she instructed my daughter, armed with lipstick.

We didn't have any warning but a shout somewhere down the hall. All of us turned towards the door as it flew open.

Jasper and Emmett, wild-eyed and laughing like maniacs, flew in with buckets of neon paint and brushes.

In a flash everything was painted sickeningly brilliant hues-the tub, the shower curtain, the table of makeup-and us.

"BASTARD!" Alice shouted at Jasper. "Look what you've done to my bathroom!!"

The wind of their departure dried the paint on us. I was furious-and yet awed by their skewed and twisted brand of genius.

Renesmee was laughing so hard that tears left tracks in the paint caked on her face.

"ASSHOLES!" Rosalie screamed from out in the hall.

I went out into the hall as well. Everyone was standing in the hall, almost blending with the neon splatters on the walls.

Edward was blue, Carlisle pink, Esme yellow, and Rosalie purple. Alice was green, and I was orange, while Renesmee was blue AND orange.

All of them had equally dark expressions on their brightly painted faces.

"Dear," Carlisle said to Esme, "Abstain from saying, 'I told you so.'" He took a deep breath. "Because I am going to kill them."

We stalked down the stairs.

Emmett and Jasper were sitting across from each other, apparently playing an innocent game of Hi Ho Cheerio. Emmett looked up casually.

"Jazz!" he shouted joyfully. "Jazz, it's the circus! The circus is here!"

Jasper was struggling to keep a straight face as he looked at us in all our neon glory. "Well?" he asked. "What are you waiting for? Let's have the show!"

"You asses," Edward said calmly.

"Edward," Esme reproved.

Carlisle looked around, stunned. Finally he said, mournfully, "My house reeks of fucking paint."

I'd never heard Carlisle say one bad word before today.

"I wash my hands of this mess," he sighed, gesturing helplessly around his brightly colored house.

"Nessie," Edward said suddenly, "Since the house smells so obscene, why don't we go on a picnic?"

"Okay," Renesmee agreed. "But Uncle Jazz and Em can't come," she added with a smug smile.

We all followed my daughter and husband into the kitchen.

* * *

"Jazz, Em, get in here!" Alice shouted. They ran in-and smashed right into my shield. We attacked.

Renesmee's plan was completely childish, but we had adopted it because we all craved revenge and had no better plan.

"They got us messy," she had said, "So why can't we get them messy?"

She had shown us her plan.

Jars of honey and honey-bears that had never been used were brought into play. Alice and Rosalie squirted and smeared honey on them while Esme and I pinned them as best as we could. Shouting in dismay and surprise, they shoved us off and shot to their feet.

Carlisle and Edward, the best throwers among us, whipped stale bread rolls at them-the ammo Renesmee had suggested, though Rosalie had wanted something that splattered, like strawberries.

The rolls broke into bits at high speed-the pieces clung to the honey coating their bodies. The rest of us darted in and smeared it about whenever we could while they stood still, temporarily stunned.

Renesmee kept squirting the contents of a honey-bear at them from the top of the refrigerator-our little sniper.

Roaring, Emmett and Jasper attacked-and we ran, Carlisle and Edward still hurling rolls whenever they could.

Trust my best friend to stroll in the door just then.

Paint, honey, and bits of bread flying off our bodies made a spectacularly colorful, sticky, soggy mess-that whacked him in the face. At the same time a stray roll slammed into his stomach, knocking him off his feet and out of the house.

"Bells," he complained from the porch. "What the HELL?"

"Oops!" I darted away from the chase for a minute, up the stairs, and found a relatively clean towel before skidding back downstairs, dodging stale crumbly missiles.

He was on his feet already, and I handed him the towel. Jake wiped his face off as best as he could with the towel. "What's going on?" he asked.

"SURRENDER!" Alice shrieked, leaping onto Jasper's back. He buckled under the unexpected weight, and they fell to the floor laughing.

Carlisle and Esme sat on the couch amidst the chaotic ruins of their house, watching everyone with amused smiles.

Emmett had caught Rosalie-she squirmed in his arms, laughing and swearing alternately until he spun her around and kissed her.

Edward and Renesmee were attacking each other with everything in our kitchen now, laughing breathlessly.

I turned back to Jake, leaning against the doorframe with a grin. "Oh, you know," I said. "Stuff."

* * *

**Okay, so that was the end of my second challenge-fic. Probably not as much Jake/Bella friendship as Insne1 wanted, but I'm afraid she'll have to cope. This is the best draft out of all of them. XD**


End file.
